Families often rely on stories to ensure that belonging and loyalty are established and sustained. Some are stories of triumph and resilience. Others are religiously or politically based. Some narratives are spoken, others are silent serving as a quiet glue, holding the family together while often obscuring deeper truths. Family myths such as —“We’re a happy family,” “We don’t talk about feelings,” “We’re always there for each other”— can create a sense of stability and belonging. Yet, when these myths demand conformity at the expense of personal honesty and authenticity, they can become burdensome.
Family myths and stories shape how we see ourselves and each other. They assign roles (“the caretaker,” “the black sheep”) and dictate unspoken rules about what’s acceptable. For example, a family that prides itself on being "unfailingly supportive" may silence dissent or ignore conflict, leaving little room for vulnerability or truth-telling.
During the holidays, family myths often become more pronounced, as gatherings call everyone back to their assigned roles. The pressure to participate in the maintenance of the facade can leave you feeling disconnected from your authentic self.
In can be helpful to prepare ahead of time, when you know you're going to be coming together with your people under heightened holiday conditions, often for a number of days. Consider reflecting first on your family’s narratives. What stories are repeated during gatherings? What role(s) do you feel pressured to play? And with whom?
Consider how the family myths you know about have shaped your behavior and feelings, both within and outside the family. Do the stories bring comfort, or do they stifle your self-expression?
It's important to remember that authenticity doesn’t mean dismantling family myths at the dinner table. It means choosing to show up as yourself—even if it’s subtle. For example, gently articulating your persepctive without making others wrong, or declining to engage in familiar but harmful patterns without attitude or judgment. Seems easy enough in a blog post, but breaking free from family myths can feel extremely scary. Remembering your worth isn’t tied to fulfilling a role can be challenging.
It might be helpful to role play in your mind ahead of time, visualize yourself smilingly accepting that your mother or brother are different than you, probably in pain themselves and not the deciders of your value. It's heartbreaking that they can't see you, and if you have a dear friend on speed dial who knows you'll be calling, you then have some support from a reliable resource to help you remember what's essentially true about you. Set up a network of support you know will be there as back up before joining your family gathering.
One aspect of family gatherings that is often overlooked is the possibility that your willingness to risk gentle and kind authenticity can create space for deeper relationships. Share your genuine self, without expectation of reception or reciprocity. In fact, settle into accepting, ahead of time, that you will likely be ridiculed or simply ignored. Consider the possibility that just setting the intention and experimenting with quiet, subtle self-love may inspire and allow others to do the same.
This holiday season, consider how you can honor your Self while navigating family dynamics. Claiming your authenticity is an act of self-love, and a gift to those around you.
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